This is a sad one…

feel free to skip it if you need to.

We have now had Bip for one day longer than we had Rebecca.  I was getting him up from his nap, snuggling with him, enjoying his sweet, happy self and thinking that he is almost exactly the age Rebecca was when we last saw her.  Then I did a little math and realized that he is one day older.  I looked over at a picture of her and just started to cry.  I miss her so much!  It is so unfair and I didn’t sign up for this and I don’t how we are going to live the rest of our lives without her.  I just hugged Bip and cried.  Silly boy thought I was laughing and laughed back at me.  Then he gave me a big old bear hug back.  Later as I spent the day with him I kept thinking about how much I would have given for this one day with Becca, and the next and the next.

Sometimes our days are normal and go about our lives.  Then it hits me – Rebecca died and we are anything but normal.  Life doesn’t just go on.  We have to make a conscious effort to survive and on good days, we can move from just survival to living.

I hurt for our children.  Boo, who has the biggest heart and has had to bear things that no child should. Pumpkin Girl, who I don’t think remembers Rebecca anymore.  I think she remembers the pain mostly.  And Bip, sweet little boy, our Joy in the Morning, will never know her on this earth.

And to add insult to serious injury, the Army came up with their first settlement.  I think they left off a zero.

So I am in a sad place today.  But I am comforted by the prayers of so many of my online friends, both on my moms board and the Sonlight Forums. Tomorrow will be a better day.

"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5

Print Friendly