Do NOT call me Fly Lady

Lest you think my life is all pearl necklaces and chocolate macademia nuts, I present to you my morning.

It all started around 6am when The Boy Who Never Sleeps got mad at me for taking away his nummy by daring to roll over. Philip, who got a peaceful night’s sleep, blissfully unattached to anyone, free to sleep in any position he wanted, asked if I might want to nurse the baby, it being only 6:19. “He’s been on me all night. I’m tired and in pain. Go away.”

I’m not at my best in the mornings.

So young son and his dad trotted off downstairs to watch the news reports of last night’s rain. Mudslides on the Capitol Beltway, streets underwater, Metro closed, fish on the bridge…it was a good day to not be commuting. And while watching others being stuck in traffic is always amusing, the boys tired of that and came to wake me up.

“Hon, it’s 7:00. Do you want to wake up?” I tried to pretend to be asleep. “Hon? It’s 7:00. Should I come back at 7:30?”

“Go away!”

“OK, I’ll come back at 7:30.”

I did manage to haul my poor sleep deprived body out of bed. I found all the children awake and Super Dad making pancakes! Great! I can eat them with my coconut syrup! Philip also informs me that he has made extra coffee, in case I need a little caffeine. Sweet man.

Breakfast is good, the syrup is wonderful, all is well. The morning progresses.

After a bit of miscommunication, the children and I are getting ready to start out for our daily trip to the park. We got 5 inches of rain last night, but the park has that soft spongy covering, so it’ll be wet but not muddy. And we have a semi-informal play date there every morning. So we’ll head out anyway. If our friends aren’t there, we’ll go walk along the rain swollen Potomac, since it’ll be high tide, just to see what it looks like. We’ll take the Wonder Baby with us, since he’s fussy but not sleepy, in hopes that a little time outdoors will soothe him.

I’m explaining all of this to Pumpkin Girl  as she puts on her shoes. You know how you have to explain things very carefully to 5 year olds so they don’t pester you with quite so many questions later. I get to the part where our friends might not be there this morning because we got so much rain and it’s very wet. And then Boo interrupts me mid sentence. “No, they won’t be there.” So now I have to stop.

“Boo, how do you know they won’t be there?”

Silence.

“Did they call you up and tell you they weren’t coming?”

“No.”

“OK, then you don’t know. Was I talking?”

“Yes.”

So then I go into Lecture #59: Why One Does Not Interrupt When An Adult Is Talking Unless There is Blood.

Number One Son stares at me blankly and I can literally see the words go into one ear and out the other.

So out the door we go. I resume telling Pumpkin that our friends may or may not be there. Boo interrupts again. “I thought we were going for a walk.” THAT’S IT! I send him back to the house. We are going to have to take drastic measures with that boy and his interrupting. Charlotte and I continue to the park. We can already see that no one is there and there are storm clouds a-brewing. We returned to the house.

I spend some time checking the garden for storm damage. When I come inside, Philip reminds me that he’s going to go to the commissary during school time. I sit down to prepare the shopping list and notice there is a fly in the house.

Now Philip happens to be a champion fly killer. Armed with only a rubber band, he can kill a fly on the first try. He has even been known to shoot the heads right off.

So there I am, innocently writing out my shopping list. I’m not hurting anybody. I’m just minding my own business. Here comes Philip, rubber band cocked, death in his eyes. The doomed fly lands on the back of a chair next to me. Philip takes aim, facing me, about 2 feet away.

“Don’t you shoot that head onto me.”

Thwap! Something hits me in the face then falls to my paper. THE FLY!

I’ll admit it. I’m a girly girl. I like to look pretty. I wear makeup every day. I don’t go camping. So this fly in my face at the hands of my up-to-this-minute dear husband pretty much unglues me. Shopping list and pen go flying and I go screaming up the stairs. I think I’m going to vomit. I need to wash my face! No!! I need another shower. I toss my fly splattered top into the hamper and get into the shower.

My no-longer dear husband comes to the door and tries to apologize. I’m not having any.

Several minutes later, I come down, freshly scrubbed and in clean clothes.

I sit down to have school with the children. I’m reviewing chores with Boo while we’re getting settled. I tell Pumpkin to sit down. I settle into the couch with our books, and where is Pumpkin?

“Pumpkin Girl?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” uh oh.

“What are you doing?”

She reappears. “I, uh. I was. Nothing.”

“What did I tell you to do?”

“I forgot we were having school!” She starts crying.

“I told you to sit down! If you had obeyed me…”

I’ll censor the rest of it for sensitive eyes.

…When I was finished with Lecture #3: Obeying, I leaned forward, clasped my hands together and closed my eyes. “Lord, please, stop testing me!!!!” I waited several moments, trying to settle myself. I got up to go get myself some of the coffee Philip had made me.

The coffee pot was empty, clean and drying in the rack.

I started to cry. Between the Boy Who Can’t Be Quiet, the Girl Who Won’t Obey and The Baby Who Won’t Sleep, not to mention getting a fly shot into my face by the man who I swore to love and honor in front of God and everybody…well, who can blame me.

Phil tried to console me, I’ll give him that.

“Don’t touch me, Fly Boy!” I said in a voice that may need an Exorcist later. Ok, I didn’t really call him Fly Boy, but I was thinking it.

He quietly got the shopping list.

“Take them with you!!!!”

And that, my friends, is how I find myself in an almost empty house, a warm cup of chai and a cookie in my belly and a freshly scrubbed face.

I need to go dry my hair.

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