Emotions

I hadn’t expected to cry. At least not then.

Sitting at Pumpkin Girl’s dance recital, minding my own business, patiently waiting for her class to perform is not a place where I would expect tears. But grief has a way of sneaking up on you, reminding you of what once was and what could have been.

The youngest class was being led on stage, decked out in their poofy pink costumes and tiny tap shoes to perform to “Animal Crackers.” The music started and they did their thing, some of them dancing, some of them not, but each and every three year old just as cute as can be. That’s when it hit me- Becca would be three years old. Becca could have been up there, big brown eyes, chubby cheeks and two big dimples. That’s when I started to cry.

A few minutes later, the tears turned to smiles and laughter when Pumpkin’s class performed. She hit every pose and remembered each step, all while continuing to smile. I thought back to her first day of dance class.  There were tears that day, too.  Pumpkin wanted so much to be a dancer, but she was afraid to leave me behind and join the rest of class.  Her eyes welled up with tears as she struggled with her own emotions.  Her teacher knelt down to talk to her and reassure her, then gently led her off.  Pumpkin Girl grew up so much that day and now here she was, performing on stage as if she’d done it every day of her life.

Three hours later, we walked into a church in Pennsylvania.  The oldest daughter of our good friends was getting married.  She made a beautiful bride,  young and radiant and beaming in her gown.  She and her husband rarely left each other’s side during the reception.  Her mother was a little less radiant.  She was happy, but tired.  The stresses of the previous weeks had been building up.  And now, not only was her daughter  married, but the rest of family is going to be packing up and moving away in just two short weeks.  That happens in the Army.  We learn to love and then leave.  Pumpkin Girl perceptively pointed out that it was both a happy day and a sad day for our friends.   Emotions are funny that way.

I hadn’t expected to cry then either.  We knew we’d miss the ceremony because of Pumpkin’s recital, so I thought I’d be in the clear.  Surely I could get through the reception!  But then the father and the bride danced.  He held her close and she rested her head on his shoulder.  It was a wonderfully touching moment and then I heard the song.

I Loved Her First

Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love, you’re alone in this place
Like there’s nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I’m not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she’d find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first

How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she’d find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I’m going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first

As their dance ended, the bride wiped the tears from her eyes, and her father, a big Army colonel in his uniform turned away, clearly overcome with emotion.   Those of us watching had to swallow hard and dab the tears, too.  But again, emotions are a funny thing, and we laughed as dad grabbed his next oldest daughter in a bear hug and pretended to shake with sobs.

I thought of Pumpkin Girl and her first day of dance class and her performance on stage. Some day, God willing, she will be the radiant bride, dancing with her father.   I thought of Boo, perhaps a groom with Bip giving the toast as his best man.  I thought of Becca, who will not get to be her sister’s maid of honor.

It was a happy day and a sad day for everyone.  A day to remember the past and look forward to the future.  A day for tears of joy and tears of sadness.   A day not to be forgotten.

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