So I Didn’t Say Anything

Over the last couple of weeks I have had the chance to observe different parents in different environments all interacting with their children.  I could say that about any given two week period in my life, but what makes these observations different is that the children were not behaving in line with the parents’ expectations.

Not misbehaving, mind you.

The first was at Pumpkin’s dance recital rehearsal.  Those little 3 year olds had just finished their dance and the instructor had released them to go home.  It was the third complete run-through of each performance and those little girls had peaked.  That third time around less of them had danced and more of them just sort of went through the motions.  The parents of one of the littlest dancers was sitting near me and I overheard this exchange:

Mom: Why weren’t you dancing?
Daughter: I was dancing!
Mom: No you weren’t, you were just standing there.
Daughter:  No I wasn’t!
Mom:  You need to dance.  Don’t you want to be up there?
Daughter: I was dancing.

I wanted to tell the mom that it was ok, she was just a little girl, she looked cute up there and really, she was dancing as much as anyone else in her class.  I didn’t have the nerve to talk to her, though.  I’m not sure she would have appreciated the free advice. So I didn’t say anything.

Later in the week at the recital I saw another mom with her daughter.  All the girls were in costume and getting excited. They were squealing with delight at seeing each other.  Parents were scoping out the best vantage points for picture and video taking.  I didn’t see exactly what the little girl did, but it caused the mom to get out the Angry Face, grab her daughter by the arm, yank her close and tell her loud enough for me to hear her two rows back, that if she didn’t cut it out right now, she wasn’t going to let her be in the recital.

While I’m all for properly discipling your children, I thought that was a bit harsh.  Certainly giving the child a Look was fine, but removing her and speaking to her privately and quietly might have been more appropriate.  I wanted to tell the mom, don’t be so hard on her, she’s just a little girl and she’s excited and nervous, it’ll be ok.  But again I didn’t have the nerve, or maybe I was afraid of getting the Angry Face, too.  So I didn’t say anything.

At swimming lessons last weekend, one of the little boys just stood in the pool and cried.  Boo and Pumpkin Girl are in a very beginner’s swim class for children 6 and over.  This was the 4th and last class of this mini Spring session.  I felt so bad for the poor kid who just refused to do anything but cry.  I tried to send my kids telepathic messages so they would try to comfort and encourage the poor guy.  But either they don’t possess my telepathic skills or they were ignoring me as usual.  Then I saw the mom walk up to him.  I was kind of surprised to see that she also had the Angry Face on and as she talked she was pointing angrily at him, then to the teacher and to the water, then back at him.  I could easily imagine what she was saying: “Now I want you to stop that crying right now, start listening to your teacher and get your face into that water.  I didn’t spend all that money just to come here and watch you cry.”  I wanted to tell her that it was ok, he was just a little boy and that my own son was already 8 and is just now ready to learn to swim.  But I didn’t say anything.

In all fairness to the parents, I don’t know any of the family dynamics.  Each of these situations could only be one snippet of an ongoing situation and I was seeing the parents at less than their best.

I have only been a parent for 8 years.  God, with his tremendous sense of humor, gave me the most non-conformist boy out there.  It’s not that he marches to the beat of a different drummer so much.  He’s marching to the same drummer as everyone else, he just doesn’t care about the beat.  There’s Boo…and then there’s everyone else.  It’s not really a bad thing and he does provide us some great laughs, but it’s been a challenge.

I’ve had my share of his behavior not being bad, but being unexpected.  I’ve had to redefine what I consider to be success and to change my expectations.  He’s a good kid and is well liked by both adults and other children; he’s bright, sensitive and happy.  And yet he defies explanation.  So I have been there, watching all the other children perform on cue while he does his own thing.  I have had to reign him in, probably harder than I do the other children, because he gets overexcited way too easily.  I’ve learned how to discipline him in public and still let him retain his dignity.  I’ve had to accept that he wasn’t ready to take swimming lessons until the ripe old age of 7 and that it’s ok if all his buddies are on the swim team and he still only dog paddles.

I wish I could impart some of that wisdom on to other parents that I see struggling.  Not that I’m Wonder Mom or anything.  Just that maybe letting someone know that I’ve been there too and it’s not just their kid would be helpful.  Most likely, though, they would have told me to mind my own business.  It’s too bad, though.  Parenting is tough and we need all the encouragement we can get.  Not someone telling us what to do or what we’re doing wrong, but a “been there, done that, you’ll both be ok” kind of thing.

What do you think?  Would you have tried to encourage the parents in these situations?  How would you feel if the situation was reversed and someone had offered you a kind word?

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